Slowly, I'm realizing that the older you get the more what-if scenarios you have to play in your head. They start to pile up. Or stack up at least. They are like the stones that sit on my front porch painted in gold by our neighbors. For a while I didn't think life worked like that. I thought there was one path charted out for you and you walked the line as it curved and veered. Uphill and down. But once you've lived some, or for me, until you reach your early(ish) thirties you realize that the unanswered questions don't go away. You have to make peace with them. To look at what might have happened and didn't. And then to look at the life you have and know it.
Last night I went to hear Jason Harrod play at Club Passim. This was a big moment for me because I was mad at him for a number of years. We were friends back in the day. He slept in our guest room. He played a concert for our neighbors in our backyard. We ran together at our local track where we got in a fight about something. I think one of us wasn't running fast enough. He played the guitar with my brother and then complained about it afterward. He visited me at my mom's store while I daydreamed at the counter. I had just moved back home to New Hampshire and he was in the area singing songs and playing gigs. Then the day came that we both knew would come when we started down separate paths and carried on with our lives. For a while I missed the friendship, for a while I was mad and stopped listening to his music. And then time passed and I got over it. Now I am able to remember those days without pain or anger. And, I'm glad because those days are significant to me. They are some of the last I had with my mom and they are clear in my memory. It's good to be able to turn over the proverbial stone and be okay.
These two paragraphs will be inserted into my life's essay. :)