I've been running. I run in the early morning hours as they get darker and darker. I run before the girls wake up, or at least before we recognize their wakefulness, and before Eric leaves for work. On these runs I can think about what I want the day to look like and what I want to make for dinner. Or breakfast. On these runs I have time to resolve various internal conflicts, settle disagreements with myself, and generally make peace with the world. There is both grumbling and thankfulness. On these runs I work on a blog post or a writing assignment I've given myself. I develop get-rich-quick schemes and ideas for entrepreneurial venture. On these runs I take in my surroundings and enjoy getting a head start on the day. Most thoughts I can't recall and float in and out of my head in rhythm with my stride. I'm usually down by the river, running to this bridge or that bridge. And back.
I must paint this romantic picture because it does cost me something. I have more energy and less energy at the same time. Many things have fallen off my radar and out of my line of sight and I'm simply behind the ball. The truth is I'm training for a marathon while pretending I'm not. My inbox is like the Bermuda Triangle. Phone calls that should be made, haven't been made and I'm not sure when they will. Weekly meal planning remains just out of my grasp.
After the race is over I hope I will be able to say it was worth it. And I will ask myself that question. Really, I would like something other than running 16 miles to provide me with moderate serenity. I've grown accustomed to a bit of level-headedness. But, I worry that there isn't.